


Him

by not_yuuyan



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, One Shot, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28337187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_yuuyan/pseuds/not_yuuyan
Summary: Discovering that he was gay wasn’t exactly as scary as what Yamada Ryosuke had expected but realizing that he was in love with one of his own group members… that was terrifying.
Relationships: Yamada Ryosuke/???
Kudos: 15





	Him

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so this is my first ever fanfic in like... years? and this may not be as amazing as I think it is but I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing this! feel free to comment how you feel about this and how I can improve heheee!!

Discovering that he was gay wasn’t exactly as scary as what Yamada Ryosuke had expected but realizing that he was in love with one of his own group members… that was terrifying. 

Yamada wasn’t particularly attracted to girls or women for his entire life. Sure, he found them pretty but that was it. He didn’t feel any other attraction that made him want to get to know the stranger more. But men… they were different. He felt different when there was an attractive man in the same room as him. He would shift uncomfortably in his place or caught himself stealing glances. Sometimes he’d even go up to the stranger and hit up a conversation. Occasionally even end up in bed with them. In some even rarer cases, he’d be in a relationship with one.

Now, he’s stealing glances at one. One that he has known since he was 14. One that has been a pain in the ass for him and others. One that made the effort to be better. One that has made his heart beat faster and breath shaky. One that made him hot when they’re practicing. One that made him fantasize how it’ll be like to be in bed with him, multiple nights. One that made him cry as well, multiple nights. One that can never know that he’s in love with him. 

“From the top now!” their choreographer exclaimed. ”Impossible!” “10 more minutes!” “My legs are giving out!” “I’m dying!” the members shouting and rolling from the floor. Yamada chuckled at the view. He was blessed knowing that he has such amazing members for the past 13 years. His eyes, yet again, fell onto _him. He_ was glowing with the amount of sweat from 4 hours of dance practice yet Yamada saw the determination in _his_ eyes. _He_ never loved dance practice, not 13 years ago and not now. Yet the only difference is that now _he_ has the firing determination and fighting spirit to get this choreography down. That is just one of the many reasons why Yamada fell in love with _him_ . Yamada found himself smiling to himself looking at _him_. “Okay guys! Let’s finish this one last time before we get home!” Yabu exclaimed, being the eldest and taking leadership. 

The 8 of them managed to end their dance practice without anyone passing out. Yabu and Hikaru packed their stuff as soon as their choreographer dismissed them. “Are you guys staying to practice some more?” Yabu asked, grabbing his things. “I am. Just gotta get this move right before I go back” Yamada replied, wiping his sweat off his forehead. “Alright. Don’t push yourself okay Yamachan?” Yabu left with Hikaru, fingers intertwined. Yabu and Hikaru had their own fair share of pain, going back and forth with their relationship and feelings, until they tore down their walls and gave _them_ a chance. And the rest was history. They’ve been together for 7 years now. Yamada looked at them wishing that could be him and _him_. Yamada continued to practice for another hour before heading to the company’s showers to wash up and head home. 

“We have to stop.. Urgh! Someone might.. Oh my god... There! come in…”

Yamada heard a familiar voice as he stepped into the showers. His eyes landed on the only cubicle that was occupied. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn’t take another step. 

“You just have to be quiet.. Shh.. Let me take care of you…” _his_ voice echoed from the cubicle. 

Yamada was heartbroken. He left the showers with tears in his eyes. He sat in his car, grabbing his steering wheel, feeling frustrated and jealous of the situation he just encountered. His tears fell off his face, his stomach felt sick, he _hated_ how he’s acting right now. 

_C’mon Ryosuke! Keep yourself together! It’s been 3 years and you’re still hung up on this?! He doesn’t and will never see you that way! You’re just family to him!_

Yamada thought to himself, screaming in his mind. He felt a knock on his window. He quickly wiped his tears, worried it might be a company staff. Yamada rolled down his window and a head popped through it. It was _him_. 

“Hey Yamada! I thought you left already! But I saw your car so I thought I could ask you! Want to grab dinner with me?” _he_ asked. _He_ looked at Yamada for a while. Yamada was trying hard not to sniff or show any signs that he was crying like 5 seconds ago.

“Did you cry?” _he_ softly asked, looking concerned.

“Wha- No! I wasn’t. There was something in my eye, I kept scratching it so it’s like this now. Hahaha” Yamada tried to cover up. “I think dinner won’t be good today. It's been a long day for us and I think I want to go home to rest up.” Yamada wants to quickly end this conversation before he starts crying again. Plus he absolutely _refuses_ to cry in front of _him_.

“Oh.. You’re right. It was a long day... “ _he_ was clearly disappointed. “... I guess next time then! Drive home safely Yamada!” _he_ left and walked away to _his_ car. Yamada saw _his_ silhouette leave. Yamada quickly drove back home, taking a shower to calm himself down. 

_He realised that I was crying… Stop being concerned for me… Please… You just fucked someone else and you ask me out for dinner… To think I was about to say yes… How pathetic and desperate can you be Yamada Ryosuke…_

Yamada shaked his head in disbelief in his thoughts. He laid down on his couch, planning to just sleep it through until his doorbell rang. He went to see who was at the door at such a time. “Why is _he_ here?!” Yamada panicked as he fidgeted at his door, deciding if he should open the door or not. “I should just quietly walk back so _he_ will just leave…” Yamada tip-toed away from his door until… 

“Yamada! I know you’re home! Can you please open the door? I bought food for you! Just let me pass you the food and I’ll leave. Let me see that you’re okay.” _he_ pleaded. Yamada saw _his_ face. _He_ looked worried. Yamada sighed as he gave in. He opened the door for _him_. 

“Finally!” _he_ exclaimed as he pushed the door and forced himself into Yamada’s apartment, knocking off _his_ shoes. “You said you’ll just pass me the food! Not enter my apartment!” Yamada tried to reason out. “Yeah I said I’ll pass the food to you. I didn’t say I’ll pass it to you at the door.” _he_ managed to sarcastically answer Yamada while taking out the food and placing it on his coffee table. Yamada could only roll his eyes at _his_ remark. _How typical…_

“You said you’ll pass me food and see me. Well, you did both… Can you leave please? I appreciate you coming over and buying me dinner but I… I just want to be alone tonight. I’m tired and I just need to rest. I’ll buy you dinner another time.” Yamada tried to sound stern and annoyed as he stood away from _him_. 

“... You were crying just now Yamada… I don’t know why… but… I needed to see if you were just putting on an act, being tough and all or you really had something in your eye. And it looks like I was right. You were acting tough and all. We talked about this multiple times together with the rest… You need to share with us your burden Yamada. You’re not alone. We’re here for a reason right? I know I’m probably not the best person to talk to.. You’d rather talk to Chinen about your stuff right? He gives great advice and I suck but... I will try to be a good listener. So! Where’s your alcohol? Let’s eat this and drink tonight!” _he_ said as _he_ walked to Yamada’s fridge, opening it and taking out a few cans of beers. 

Yamada was speechless. He has nothing to say. He feels nervous from being in the same room as _him_ , moreover drinking! He just watched _him_ walk back to the living room with the cans of beers in _his_ hands, smiling like an idiot. 

_If this is as much as you can give me, I’ll be content with this._

Yamada found himself smiling again, as they started to drink. They finished the beers but _he_ wanted to drink more. Yamada went to take out his wine and grabbed some wine glasses. They felt the alcohol in their systems as the night passed. They were not exactly drunk but they weren’t exactly sane. _He_ was much more touchy when _he’s_ in this state. Yamada was enjoying this more than he should. He never wanted the night to end. 

“You know Yamada! I’ve alwaaaaaays admired you! Being the center! Being talented in everything that you do! Getting all the offers for Jump! Your life must be amazing!!! I bet even your love life must be as amazing right?” _he_ managed to voice out without slurring _his_ words as _he_ put both of _his_ hands on Yamada thighs. Yamada jerked slightly at the sudden touch. 

“N-n-no… I have my own worries.. Hahaha… I’m not that talented… I’m just lucky to be honest.. And blessed to have all of you as my members. I wouldn’t have made this this far if it wasn’t for you guys… Plus.. my love life isn’t amazing.. Like I’m still single now? There’s no one…” he explained, trying to sound as sane as he could and not say anything unnecessary. 

“Oh please! You’re Yamada Ryosuke! Everyone either wants to be you or wants to have you in bed! Men would be lining up begging to be your boyfriend! Look around you! I’m pretty sure some of our members have definitely!!! fantasized sleeping with you!” _he_ blabbed, wailing his hands in front of Yamada, making gestures, he thinks. 

“I, for one, have definitely fantasized about you. And I’m not lying! I can count the number of times I thought of you under me… But of course we’re members… We can’t sleep with each other… Well except Yabu and Hika.. They’re in love! Sleeping with each other… It’ll ruin our relationship…” _he_ shaked and rolled _his_ head to the couch, holding _his_ head, the alcohol hitting _him._

Yamada found himself taking a good look at _his_ features. _His_ eyelashes, _his_ jawline, _his_ neck, _his_ collarbones… Yamada thanked his self control, beating the alcohol in his system, from attacking the man in front of him. “Hey.. Yamada… What’s your opinion about… our members… if you found out that they were sleeping together… but they’re together… _together_ ?” _he_ asked, carefully. Yamada's eyes widened at the sudden question. 

_Should I be honest? Should I lie?_

“Uhh… I mean… if they’re not hurting anyone’s feelings… I think sex can be just sex…? It’s not like they’re cheating or anything right?”

“Oh no! Cheating is bad! But… if one of them has feelings for the other… but the other doesn’t… should it end?” 

“... I think it should? No matter who that person is, he’s our member, friend… I don’t think I wouldn’t want to ruin that relationship because of sex” Yamada was afraid to hear what will come out next. He didn’t want to even think about the possibility of the one being in love to be _him_. 

“Oh.” _He_ paused, sounding disappointed. “You’re right Yamada! Hahaha… Is it okay if I stay the night? I think I’m too drunk to drive back home and I feel too tired to move” 

“Of course… C’mon let’s get you to bed. I can’t let you sleep on the floor!” Yamada tried to pull _him_ up but _he’s_ way too tall and made Yamada lose footing. “Woah! Try and help me by not falling ON me please?” Yamada tried to balance the man back on his feet. Somehow Yamada managed to get him to his bedroom in one piece. Yamada wanted to leave but _he_ grabbed Yamada’s wrist, “Where are you going? This is your bed. Sleep with me. It’s not as if we’ve never.” Yamada hesitated but decided to crawl beside _him_ so as to show he’s not awkward sharing a bed. _He_ fell asleep almost immediately, snoring softly next to Yamada. 

_Thank god I bought an almost 8000 dollars mattress. He looks like a puppy when he’s asleep._

Yamada brought his hand on _his_ head and patted _his_ hair softly. 

_How is it that you can easily have sex with Inoo-chan just a few hours ago and now you’re in my bed sleeping like a puppy? How is it that I hated my feelings towards you hours ago and now, I love everything about it? Should I give up on you? Or should I make you forget about Inoo-chan? Should I just be like you, a listener?_

Yamada’s thoughts flooded his mind and yet his body reacted by itself. Next thing he knew, he placed a kiss on _his_ forehead. 

_I’m content with this. I won’t ask for more. I love you._

Yamada woke up to find the place next to him empty. He guessed _he_ probably left already, until he heard a shriek from the kitchen. Yamada rushed to his kitchen to see _him_ trying to flip the pancake in his pan. “Yamada! You’re awake! I’m sorry! Did I wake you? I’m trying to- Ouch!” Yamada helped _him_ to flip the pancake and clean up the mess on his kitchen counter. Yamada chuckled to see _him_ like this. Somehow _he_ managed to finish making breakfast and they dug in. “Itadakimasu! I hope it’s not burnt… I woke up earlier with a hangover so I drank your hangover drink in the fridge. I felt bad for sleeping here so I thought I could make you breakfast.” 

Yamada chuckled at _his_ silliness. They ate their breakfast before _he_ had to leave to prepare for their schedule later in the evening.

Yamada couldn’t wait to see _him_ again. The members finished filming Itadaki High JUMP safely while having fun, laughing and making fun of the usual members. Once they ended filming, the members hung out in their waiting room except for 2 of them. “Those 2 are always wandering off on their own. I hope they're not doing anything illegal without our knowledge!” Daiki jokes. Yamada looked at the door hoping the 2 of them would come through soon so he could stop thinking about _what_ exactly they might be doing. Speak of the devil. The 2 of them entered their waiting room looking... solemn. Yamada recognized the look on _his_ face. Of course Yamada recognised it. It was a look that Yamada has been looking at himself for the past 3 years. 

_He_ was heartbroken.

Yamada’s first instinct was to ask _him_ out for drinks. _He_ rejected Yamada saying that _he_ was tired and wanted to rest. Yamada got worried about _him_ after 3 days especially when _he_ didn’t come to work. _His_ manager mentioned that _he_ was sick and was put to bed rest. Yamada couldn’t just leave him in that state so he decided to continuously ask _him_ out until he agreed. For the next 2 weeks Yamada kept texting _him_ asking him out for lunch, dinner, drinks, anything to make _him_ agree to spend time with Yamada. Finally _he_ reluctantly agreed after Yamada decided to pester him almost everyday. 

Yamada bought some ingredients for him to cook at _his_ place. He was determined to cheer _him_ up. Holding the groceries in his hands, he rang _his_ doorbell. “Hi Yamada. Come in.” _he_ sounded so weak as _he_ left Yamada at the door and walked back into _his_ apartment. Yamada took a deep breath and forced himself to stretch a big smile and entered the apartment. “I’m going to cook your favourite spicy hotpot! Plus I bought beers and wine! We’re going to drink our livers away tonight alright.” Yamada tried to sound lively. He saw _him_ sitting on the sofa, looking at the television show that’s in front of him, not watching anything. 

_He really is heartbroken… Yosh! Let’s cheer him up!_

Yamada started to prepare the ingredients and cook the hotpot. Once he was done, somehow _he_ had an appetite to eat but just ate in silence while Yamada kept talking about the work and funny episodes of the members during the time _he_ was gone, purposely leaving out Inoo. After they were done with dinner, Yamada did the dishes as _he_ went back to _his_ room, disappearing from Yamada’s view. Yamada sighs as he finishes cleaning the dishes. He felt useless. Cooking _his_ favourite dish doesn’t help, talking about funny things doesn’t help too… The last plan he had was to get _him_ drunk enough so even for a while, _he_ wouldn’t think about the pain or Inoo. 

Yamada carefully walked to _his_ room, to find _him_ on the bed, sitting on the edge, staring at the floor. He clenched the beers in his hands and approached _him_ . He handed _him_ a can and sat beside _him_ . _He_ drank the beer in almost one shot making Yamada worried that _he_ might choke. 

_He looks like he needs the alcohol… Or has he been drinking everyday? Okay let’s control the intake._

Yamada slowed down on the cans of beers he was bringing into the room. _He_ wasn’t planning on slowing down at all. Everytime Yamada kept warning _him_ to slow down, _he_ ignored him. “You’ll puke everything out if you keep forcing alcohol down your throat! Please slow down!” Yamada forced a can away from _his_ mouth. 

“What’s your problem Yamada! Why not you just leave the damn alcohol with me and fucking leave me alone?! God you’re so fucking annoying! As if pestering me for the past 2 weeks wasn’t enough! You fed me, you saw me, so just report back to Yabu that I’m fine. If you’re worried about me leaving the group, well rest assured I’m not. If you want to know what happened between me and Inoo, basically he rejected me. He has no romantic feelings for me at all. He’s in love with Daiki. And apparently he was going to end things with me because Daiki apparently confessed to him and they’re going official. And to think I was so stupid to fall for him during the months we fooled around… So yeah that’s the full story. I’m a pathetic idiot who fell in love with someone who I shouldn’t. Laugh at me. Ridicule me. I don’t care. You’re freaking Yamada Ryosuke. No one would ever reject you. You basically get anything and anyone that you want! You’ll never understand me. So just fucking leave. I don’t fucking need you or your pity Yamada.” raising _his_ voice at Yamada, obviously letting the hurt get ahead of him.

Yamada couldn’t take it anymore. He felt his blood pumping to his brain, waiting to just burst. He got off the bed and stood in front of _him_ . _Fuck it._

" **Takaki Yuya!"**

"Get your shit together! How dare you talk to me about feelings. About not understanding you. About rejection. About falling in love with someone that you shouldn’t. About leaving you here, alone, while you wallow in your sadness. How long has it been? 2 weeks? 2 weeks is nothing Takaki. At least you _slept, touched, kissed_ the person you love. Have you felt the _pain_ of a one sided love for 3 whole fucking years? Step and hold back every single cell of your body from reacting in any way that might ruin your relationship?! Watching the one you love go from relationship to relationship, telling you everything about it and the only thing you can do is just _watch and listen_ ?! Knowing that you fell in love with the wrong guy but there’s nothing you can do because fuck! Apparently, I see this idiot almost every single fucking day! I knew this idiot since I was 14, fell in love with him at 24, and I still am! There were _countless times_ I tried to move on, forget him, try with someone else… but guess what? It’s still him! And even when I heard him fucking another guy, listen to him wallow about another guy, here I am! Standing in front of him, trying to cheer him up but get screamed at about not understanding about being hurt and rejected? Bullshit Takaki! I _swore_ to never confess to you for the sake of our relationship and I decided to take this to my grave but well now you know.”

Yamada paused and took a breath as he said the words that he wanted to tell Yuya since day 1. 

“I love you Yuya. I love you... _so fucking much_. Now reject me. I don’t care. If you want me to feel the hurt that you’re feeling, do it.” 

Yamada let everything that he had bottled up out. Yuya was staring dead straight into his eyes, speechless. Yamada was panting. Tears were escaping his eyes. 

_Everything is out… He finally knows… You know the answer to this Yamada… Take the rejection calmly and leave._

As Yamada was waiting for the rejection that he was expecting, Yuya stood up and pulled Yamada towards him, holding him close. Yamada widened his eyes at the sudden closeness. “Yuya- Wha-” Yuya shut him up by roughly kissing him, almost desperately. Thousands of thoughts ran past Yamada’s mind. He couldn’t think about anything, just Yuya’s lips on his now. He felt Yuya’s tongue asking for permission and he gladly let his tongue dance with his, fighting for domination where Yuya obviously won. Yamada’s arms automatically found them around Yuya’s neck, pulling him even closer, as if there was anymore space between them. He felt Yuya’s hands on his hips, gripping onto him. They kept going on it for a while until the both of them pulled away for a breath.

“Whaa- What is the meaning of this Yuya? I… I don’t understand” Yamada spoke first, wanting an answer for this sudden situation. “I… I don’t know… I just… I just want you tonight Yamada. Stay with me tonight. Please?” Yuya replied, pulling Yamada close to him again. Yamada didn’t know what to say. His mind and his heart’s telling him he is definitely going to regret this tomorrow morning. Yet his body wants him, needs him, now. Yuya was looking worried at Yamada’s silence as he slowly let the younger go. Until Yamada tip-toed up to Yuya and kissed him, closing their gap. Yuya took matters into his hand and grabbed Yamada’s thighs to make the younger jump into his arms as Yuya turned around and threw him onto his bed. 

They kept making out for a while with Yuya exploring Yamada’s clothed body. Yamada enjoyed Yuya’s hands on him. They parted for air and Yuya quickly threw his shirt off his body. Yamada stared at his body as if it's his first time seeing it. Yuya kissed him again, this time his hands getting bolder as he reached for the naked skin under Yamada’s shirt. His nails digging into the skin he found. Yamada moaned into the kiss, encouraging Yuya to continue.

Yuya pulled away and helped Yamada discard off his shirt. He attacked the younger’s neck, biting, sucking the flesh to prove how much he needed him. Yamada kept moaning under his lips and hands, Yuya’s name leaving his lips again and again. Yuya’s lips moved lower and lower until he reached Yamada’s waistband. Yuya quickly helped Yamada to remove his pants and everything else underneath until the younger was bare naked under him. His dick was hard and leaking already, making Yuya lick his lips at the sight. Yamada blushed at Yuya staring at him. 

“Stop staring Yuya…” his eyes not wanting to catch the elders. “You look beautiful Yamada… Oh god… I don’t think I can control myself tonight” he warned. Before Yamada could choke out an answer, a loud scream escaped his lips instead. Yuya wrapped his lips around Yamada’s leaking tip, sucking it, hollowing his cheeks. His hands at the base of Yamada’s dick as he slowly went lower, taking more of Yamada into his mouth. Yamada forced himself to open his eyes to see Yuya looking up at him with lips around his dick. He was a moaning mess under Yuya. Yuya pulled his lips up to the tip and took it all back in, finding a rhythm for the younger. He started to bob his head up and down, driving Yamada crazy from his mouth. “Yuya! Please! Too much! Let me go.. please… I want to make you feel goo- Aah! I’m coming!” Yamada lost all self control and spilled into Yuya’s hot mouth. He was breathing hard as he saw Yuya pull away, keeping Yamada’s cum in his mouth, as he took off his own pants, freeing his dick from the restrain. Yuya spit out some of Yamada’s cum into his own hand and coated his dick with Yamada’s as he swallowed the rest. Yamada stared at the view in front of him and felt himself get hard again. 

“You taste amazing Yamada” Yuya chuckled as he captured the younger into a kiss again. Yamada could taste his cum mixed with Yuya’s saliva in the kiss. As they pulled away, Yamada gathered all the strength he could find and pushed Yuya to make him sit in front of him. Yamada attached his lips to Yuya’s neck, giving him as much attention as Yuya did to him moments ago. He waited 3 years to do this to the elder. He was determined to show Yuya how much he wanted to make the elder feel good under his touch. He started to leave marks in the elder’s neck, biting and sucking on the flesh that he craved so badly for. 

His hands went lower and lower until he reached Yuya’s dick. He grabbed the elder’s dick and started to pump it from the base. His lips were still attached to Yuya's neck. He felt Yuya jerk his hips up to meet the hands that were pumping his dick. Yamada felt so good to have Yuya react like this under his touch. He finally started leaving soft kisses on the rest of Yuya’s chest as his lips travelled lower. When he reached the elder’s dick, he licked just the tip, looking up, just to find Yuya looking down at him. He took Yuya’s whole length into his mouth and started to bob his head up and down, finding a rhythm. 

Yuya was bigger than he expected. He felt the elder’s hands tangle in his hair forcing him to take more of the elder’s length into his mouth. He forced his throat to relax so he could breathe and Yuya could feel his throat. “Ooh! Yamada! Fuck! You look so hot from here… You take my dick so well… Fuck!” Yamada felt Yuya’s dick twitch in his mouth. Before Yuya could say anything, Yamada felt his hot cum release into his mouth and kept still. He swallowed everything of Yuya’s and pulled away, licking his lips lewdly and locking his eyes with Yuya, who was breathless. 

Yamada took a moment to digest the image in front of him, Yuya looking sexy and fucked up from a blowjob that the younger did. He noticed that Yuya was still hard and he knew that the night was still young. Yuya pushed Yamada on to his back against the pillows and they shared a passionate kiss. Yuya’s fingers found their way to Yamada’s rim as he slowly teased it. Yamada was the first to pull away from the kiss as he arched his back and pushed himself against Yuya’s fingers. “Yuya! Stop teasing.. Do something… real…. please…” he begged. “Do what baby? You have to be more specific than that.” Yuya pushed his finger in just slightly and pulled out almost immediately. Yamada groaned from the frustration. “Just prepare me quickly Yuya! With your fingers! Your tongue! Please! I need you in me soon!” 

Yuya smirked at the younger losing control under him and gave him what he wanted. He quickly inserted a finger inside the younger and ducked down, letting his tongue join his finger as well. Yamada screamed at the attention that Yuya was giving him. The pleasure was driving him insane. He honestly could come again from just Yuya’s fingers and tongue but he wanted more. Yuya inserted another finger in and soon the third entered the younger, moving in and out. 

Yuya took his tongue away to watch how Yamada was stretching around his fingers. He watched how Yamada was squirming under him, with his back arched, moaning the elder’s name time and time again. “Enough Yuya! I’m ready! Enough.. Just fuck me now. Please! Just put your dick in me now!” the younger pleaded as he tried to pull away from Yuya’s fingers. “As you wish baby” Yuya pulled his fingers away and went in between the younger’s legs, throwing one of his legs up onto his shoulder. He angled his dick to Yamada’s rim and pushed in slowly, checking on him as he pushed himself in more, until he was fully inside of the younger. Both of them groaned at the pleasure they felt. Yamada felt so… full. Yuya felt Yamada holding onto him for his dear life.

Yuya pulled out leaving just the tip in and pushed back in, earning a scream from Yamada. Yuya kept angling his thrusts, focusing on depth and finding the younger’s spot. “Fuuck! Yuya! There!” Yamada screamed as he scratched the elders back from the extreme pleasure that overtook him. Yuya continued thrusting into him, making sure he hit the spot again and again to hear those screams again. “Fuck Yamada… You feel so hot and tight around me… You feel so good… Do you think you can come again? Just from my dick?” 

“I.. I can… just... don’t stop Yuya… Harder… Deeper… Make me limp… Do whatever you want to me” Yamada managed to voice out as he held Yuya’s shoulders. Yuya let out an animal-like groan as he went faster, determined to make the younger orgasm faster. Yamada continued screaming and moaning out Yuya’s name as he felt his own orgasm coming. “Yuu-- I-! Not going to last…” 

“Hold on baby… I’m almost there… C’mon baby… Hold yourself a while more…” Yuya was thrusting like an animal at this point, snapping his hips at the younger while holding onto his thighs. “Hurry! I can’t last any longer!” Yamada’s head was spinning from the extreme pleasure he was feeling. “... I’m- now baby now!” Yuya moaned near Yamada’s lips as he spilled his hot cum inside of Yamada’s hot body. Yamada came again as well, all over his stomach and spilling onto Yuya’s too. Yuya put down Yamada’s leg as he stilled himself, not wanting to move at all. The both of them steadied their breathing before Yuya pulled out of Yamada and the younger groaned at the loss of him. 

Yuya rolled next to Yamada to catch his breath. The both of them stayed like that for a while in silence. Yamada could feel Yuya’s cum leaking out of his hole. He has been fantasizing about this day for the past 3 years yet he didn’t feel happy at all. He wanted more than this. He looked at the man beside him staring at the ceiling. Yet again, his thoughts flooded his mind. 

_Should I leave? Should I ask if I can stay? Should I even stay in the first place? Does he want me to stay?_

Yuya broke the silence first. “Was this a mistake?” 

Yamada shot up, wincing at the pain of his butt. “Excuse me? A mistake? What do you mean by mistake?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing from the elder. He was obviously upset and disgusted almost.

“As in… Is this a one time thing and we forget about this and we go back to being members? I… I don’t want to repeat the same mistake Yamada. I don’t want to continue anything if it’s going to hurt us both” Yuya said, sitting up and looking at the younger. 

“Do you think this was a mistake Yuya?” Yamada asked, his voice shaking. 

“I… No… I… This wasn’t a mistake. I wanted this. I threw myself at you and you just gave in. The both of us wanted this… But… I don’t want a… a relationship” Yuya explained, eyes shifting down to his own legs, refusing to look at the younger. 

“More like you don’t want a relationship with me, you mean?” Yamada helped Yuya to make his sentence clear. He started to grab his clothes and put them on, trying not to think about the wincing pain of his butt. Yuya looked at the younger looking regretful. “I’m sorry Yamada… I enjoyed this very much… I really did… And I do love you… But not…” the elder couldn’t finish his sentence. “... not in a romantic way.” Yamada helped him to finish it. 

“Stay Yamada! Take a shower first. Sleep here beside me. Let me at least make you feel loved... for just tonight… Let me hug you before tonight ends” Yuya was holding onto Yamada’s arm, preventing him from putting on his shirt. 

Yamada scoffed at his words and his touch. He shrugged off Yuya’s hand from his arm. Yamada wanted to cry his eyes out, scream at Yuya for kissing him, hit Yuya for touching him, for making him melt under the elder’s touch but he couldn’t. He stood up and faced the elder as he clenched his hands. 

“No. I don’t want to “feel loved” by you! I want you to at least respect my feelings! Did you think I’m some kind of cheap whore that is so desperate for your touch that I’ll say yes to everything that you say?! It’s fine Yuya. I understand. Like I said. I told you to reject me. And you did. You rejected my feelings. Somehow ending up having sex with you wasn’t part of it but I think can move on now. This wasn’t a mistake. Instead, this makes me feel like I can hate you. I can hate how _disgusting_ you make me feel right now. I can hate how you have no respect for my feelings. Don’t worry. Work is work. I’m not as unprofessional as you to skip work over a heartbreak. I’ll see you at work as how I normally do. I hope you find someone to truly love. Don’t bother walking me to the door. Goodbye Takaki.”

Yamada was in pain. His butt hurt, his legs hurt, his head hurt but his heart was shattered. He finished clothing himself and left Yuya’s apartment without saying anything.

Yamada took a cold shower as soon as he got home. He could still feel Yuya’s cum inside him. He felt empty. He cried his frustration out under the shower as he replayed what he and Yuya did moments ago. He felt disgusted to melt under Yuya’s touch. He only has himself to blame. He knew he should’ve said no. He knew he should’ve pushed Yuya away. That night, he spent it crying in bed yet again. 

The next time Yamada saw Yuya was a week after. Yuya didn’t dare to go near Yamada and Yamada thanked his lucky stars that he didn’t. Yamada tried his best to act normal around his members. Everytime Yamada was resting, Yuya would go to another waiting room to rest. Yuya would skip their dinner affairs together as a group. Yamada would avoid having the same schedule as the elder if it meant they needed to be close. The members definitely felt the tension. Yabu didn’t like it one bit and wanted to confront them but Hikaru stopped him, saying that they needed time to overcome this and that the two will come through one day. 

Yamada couldn’t deny that he wasn’t hating Yuya. He hated himself for hurting Yuya. He missed Yuya’s smile, laugh, lame jokes, everything that he loved about the elder seemed to disappear after that night. As if Yuya was not smiling or laughing for Yamada’s sake. He hated to see Yuya not being himself for his sake. He wanted to drag Yuya somewhere and scream at him, telling him that he regrets saying everything he said and that he wants his Yuya back. The Yuya that he fell in love with. As much as it will hurt but he wouldn’t forgive himself if Yuya never goes back to his old self.

Yamada was rudely awakened by his phone at 2am in the morning. He looked at the caller ID and saw Yuya’s name across the screen. He got scared and rejected the call. Yuya called again for the next 4 times. Yamada got frustrated and answered by the 5th call. “What the hell do you want at 2am in the morning Yuya?”

“Hello? Are you the friend of the one who owns this phone? I’m a bartender of XXX Pub and your friend is badly wasted. Is it possible for you to come and pick him up?” a strangers’ voice was heard instead. Yamada had no choice but to pick Yuya up. As much as he refused to breathe the same air as the elder, he couldn’t risk anything that could damage their careers. Wehen Yamada reached, he saw Yuya on the bar counter with his head down. “Hey! Wake up! C’mon let’s get you home. Try and walk with me okay?” Yamada took Yuya’s arm around his shoulders and held the elders’ waist while walking to his car. He barely managed to fit Yuya’s long limbs into his car as he groaned his frustration. 

_I swear! If you’re doing this to make it easier to hate you, it’s working!!!_

Yamada wanted to drive Yuya back to his place but he was scared of entering the elder’s apartment again, so he drove back to his apartment. Dragging Yuya’s body back to his apartment and dropping it off onto his sofa. Yuya groaned in his drunk state and rolled on it to lay on his back with his arm on his face. Yamada went to get a bottled water and a bowl, in case Yuya wanted to puke. He placed them on the coffee table and left to return to his room when he heard Yuya mutter something.

“I’m sorry Yamada… I was selfish… I only thought of myself… I want my member back… I want… my friend back.. I’m sorry” He saw a tear escape Yuya’s closed eyes. Yamada sighed as he put a hand on the drunk’s head and started petting him again. “You’re an idiot Yuya. I’m an idiot. I’m sorry I said I could hate you. I didn’t mean it. I meant… I hate your words, actions but.. I could never really hate you. I just didn’t want to accept the fact that... no matter what happens, I’ll always love you.” He felt a hand grab his wrist from petting the elder’s head. He saw Yuya gradually opening his eyes to meet his. 

“Yuya? Are you okay? Do you wa-” Yamada was cut off by Yuya’s lips, yet again. He wanted to push Yuya away. He wanted to slap Yuya for kissing him again. He wanted to leave Yuya there and lock himself in his room. He wanted to do everything to get away from Yuya. But his mind was foggy. He felt every cell in his body screaming no yet he wanted the elder. His body craved for Yuya. 

The elder got on to the floor with him, pushing Yamada onto his back. Soon, hands were all over each others’ naked skin. Pleasure was the only thing Yamada could think off. He focused on Yuya’s hands, mouth, skin, everything. Yuya’s name left his lips, in pleasure yet again. They reached their climax together and held each other on the floor. The elder didn’t pull out and laid down on Yamada. He was breathing hard but he felt the elder’s heartbeat against his as he calmed down. Yamada carassed Yuya’s naked back gently. “I’m sorry Yamada… Again…” Yuya voiced out before letting sleep take over his body and hugging the younger tightly. Yamada felt his chest wet as he saw tears escaping the elder’s eyes. Yamada just continued caressing the elder’s back as sleep took over his body as well.

Yamada woke up in his bed. Yuya was sleeping next to him, having just a blanket cover his naked torso. Yamada scooched closer to the elder, hugging his side and laying his head on Yuya’s shoulder as he inhaled his scent.

“Morning beautiful” the elder muttered as he opened his eyes and saw the sight that greeted him. “Morning handsome” the younger replied, before placing a kiss on the elder’s lips. “Let’s lay in bed longer… We don’t have to be at the studio till a few more hours right?” Yuya turned his body to properly hug the younger into his arms. “I’m hungry Yuya… I’m getting up…” Yamada wiggled out of the elder’s arms and put on the elder’s white shirt that was the closest thing to him. “You better button up by the time I reach the kitchen or you won’t be getting any breakfast or the strength to walk afterwards” Yuya warned. The younger laughed as he walked to the kitchen. 

It’s been 3 months since they slept together again for the second time. Yuya was crying for forgiveness the next day, horrified that Yamada might hate him more. He confessed to Yamada that he couldn’t stop thinking about him after the first time they ended up in bed. Yuya couldn’t say that he fell in love with Yamada nor could he say he didn’t feel anything more for the younger. Yamada wanted to be selfish.

“What if… we try? We try… this? I’m not asking for you to instantly treat me like your boyfriend or anything but… let’s just spend more time together and if either one of us still doesn’t feel right about us, we’ll end things. And we’ll go back to being friends. No hard feelings. I’m just asking for your part to try…” Yamada was crying, ashamed that he was stooping this low. 

“I can’t promise you anything… But I’ll try Yamada. I promise I will try. I can never hate you.” Yuya answered, holding Yamada’s face in his hands, wiping off the youngsters' tears. 

Now 3 months later, Yamada was in Yuya’s kitchen making breakfast. The past 3 months were filled with nervousness, first times, dates, trying again and again, adjusting to each other, learning more about each other. Yamada was falling for the elder harder with every passing day that they spent together. Yuya was definitely trying, Yamada could see his effort. He was honestly scared that the elder was forcing himself. But he saw Yuya’s smile coming back. His laugh, lame jokes, cheeky self coming back as if Yamada was the main reason he was feeling alive again.

Yuya had to admit that it definitely was because of the younger. Yamada’s warm smile, his cheerful personality, how patient the younger was handling him, Yuya found himself seeing Yamada as more than a friend, a member. Always finding a smile spread between his lips when the younger did something clumsy or when he was sleeping in the waiting room or watching him work. Finding out about his little quirks and the little things about the younger that no one knew of but him. Wanting to do more for the younger, showing more affection to the younger in other ways than sense of touch. Speaking of touch, Yamada has never tried to touch the elder, in any way, so as not to push or force anything onto the elder.

Yuya was the first one to initiate the skinship. He felt like a teenager again, feeling nervous to try and hold the younger close, afraid of his reaction, worried if he was going too fast. When he finally found his balls to hold Yamada’s hands, the younger definitely was surprised at the sudden gesture but when he saw the elder looking nervous, his heart skipped a million beats. So Yuya causally started holding hands with the younger, cuddling him into his arms when they’re watching movies and got bolder by surprising him with little kisses when he found the younger adorable or when he just felt like kissing him. Eventually when they did end up in bed together again, the feeling this time was different. Both of them felt it. It was full of smiles and cheekiness amongst the teasing. Yamada felt happy, satisfied, content with the affection Yuya was giving him.

Present day. He felt a pair of hands circle around his waist. “Yuya.. I’m cooking. Can you at least keep your hands off me when I’m cooking?” The elder turned Yamada around to look at him. “If you’re planing to have sex on my kitchen counter now, too bad because I have no energy right now and I want to eat plus my butt still hur-” Yamada kept blabbing until the elder interupted him. 

“I love you Yamada Ryosuke. Will you be my boyfriend?” Yuya finally said the words that Yamada wanted to hear. Yamada blinked a couple of times at the elder, processing his words.

“Took you long enough you idiot!” Yamada smacked the back of the elder’s head.

“Ouch! Hey! I know I’m an idiot. I’m sorry it took so long, beautiful. You didn’t answer my question though… Will you be my boyfriend, Yamada?” the elder gripped onto Yamada tighter. Yamada couldn’t help but tear up.

“Of course you idiot! I would love to be your boyfriend” 

The two of them shared a sweet kiss together before they parted as Yuya repeated the words.

“I love you Yamada Ryosuke. I love you so much”

“I love you too Takaki Yuya, so much”

And now Yamada Ryosuke had _him_ in his arms.

“So dear boyfriend... about sex on your kitchen counter… care to reconsider that... you know... to commemorate our first day as a couple?” Yuya teased as he unbuttoned the shirt on Yamada.

“You are unbelievable! But I’m down for that… boyfriend” Yamada chuckled as Yuya attached their lips together again. 

_His_ Takaki Yuya.


End file.
